Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
