Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
