Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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