I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
