You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
