Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish I only lived at night.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
