i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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