my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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