I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
