I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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