omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
