i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
