Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i love accidental penises.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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