whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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