No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
