Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
