Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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