Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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