if you like me you must not know who I am
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
