I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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