He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
