Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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