I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
