He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I need water and some morals
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
