seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
