It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
barbara walters just said penis...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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