She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
