A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
