In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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