seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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