so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
