I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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