I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Sober January is a disaster.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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