Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize