remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I supernannyed him into submission
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
