dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
