my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize