i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
