You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
