I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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