I just pynch a tree in the face
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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