my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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