I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
