i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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