You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
