She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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