it hurts more in the daytime
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
