Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Two words: blizzard sex
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
