You're my little dorito
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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