This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The Olympian is in my bed
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
