The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize