As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize