I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
