i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
