I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
