I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
