I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
