Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
