Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
