I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
