Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
