I accidentally had phone sex last night
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
