i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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