I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Terrible idea I love it
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
