I'm so fucking centered right now
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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