OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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