Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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